Updated: Sep 14, 2021
My soul is a bath tub surrounded by taps,
Some bigs, some small, coloured silver, brass and black.
The water is filthy, a mixture of sins,
They've too easily diluted the beauty within.
When swimming around it feels viscous and cold,
I struggle to float though i’m not very old.
My my eyes sting, my ears scream my heads a dead weight,
But I keep treading, persisting, denying my state.
There is one gold tap, which has never been on,
I was recently shown it, it’s been there all along.
The silver and brass taps are dotted about,
Their bright, silky waters, barely trickling out.
Now there are hundreds of black taps with rusted old spouts,
They scream and they splutter, dirty oil spills out.
I remember my water being clearer, smelling sweeter,
But now it is toxic, it’s sticky and getting much deeper.
The muscles I’ve grown, I thought served me well,
In surviving and “thriving” in this living hell.
But there’s no suppleness left, no softness, no love,
I’ve strengthened, I’ve hardened I don’t want to “give up”.
The tub has no plug, my waste water streams out,
Polluting the world and those I so care about.
“Start with the biggest” my true friends cheer,
The competition and jealousy ....its anger .... the fear.
Who would I be if not achieving, not proving,
That I can stay a float and that I’m worthy for doing.
When I'm not seen as clever or able or smart
Theres panic, desperation, then attack its so dark.
Although I feel alone, there are others around me,
And Just like my nightmares I see what’s inside me.
I struggle and fight, scared I’ll lose scared I’ll drown,
Not caring about those whom I hurt and drag down.
It is living a lie, this is not how you win.
Staying afloat and alive in a bathtub of sin.
Put back in the plug, help those out who fell in
And start to surrender to the hurt that’s within
I’m angry, so angry, it seems buried deep within.
Yet it show in my eyes, in my dreams and my skin,
Underneath this panicked rage I’m heartbroken about love,
About being taught the real me, she wasn’t enough.
Open up every orifice, let the oil slip inside,
Scream, moan, sob, shake and wail don’t let anything hide.
There will be rage fear, deep grief, none of it wrong,
Its a relief to let go of, it’s been there so long.
Some black taps have turned off, when my pain has been felt,
I pray for truth and humility about the hurt I’ve been delt.
There’s one other thing that will help above all,
That bold golden tap standing graceful and tall.
This tap is the master and it’s elixir his love,
Earnestly waiting to flow and transform from above.
I’ve been desperately trying to make it turn on,
Not truly desiring, is that where I go wrong?
Am I just scared to the core about what I will feel?
Uncomfortable with love, don’t believe that you’re real.
What they’re suggesting is an unfathomable being of grace,
They say to long for your love, be vulnerable, build faith.
It is me who’s resisting, lost my desire my spark, I'm a strong swimmer you know I can survive in the dark.
I struggle asking for help, I'm broken, I'm stuck.
This one oil pollutes everything, I'm in such a rut.
God give me courage to face it, to give in,
To surrender, and express the true rage within.
Open up every orifice, let the the oil slip inside,
I can handle the pain with you by my side.